so my oldest boy here is about to be 7 in feburary. i am not too sure how i feel about that. it's exciting we are entering new phases in life, but almost overwhelming that now that the baby phase is almost over (which has felt like an entire lifetime that i can barely remember or recall ) all new challenges are going to keep coming and kickin me in my face. poor kid, it must be hard to be the first born. everything's new, they are pretty much a guinea pig paving the way for future siblings. i had no idea what i was doing. as a matter of fact i am pretty sure i still have no idea what i am doing. the problem is each kid has their own thing. each one of my boys are completely different. each phase that they have gone through has been different, they react different, handle discipline different, apparently they all have their own genetic make-up. the only thing they all have in common is a strong will. we do not have the "compliant" kid. the one you always hear about, "so and so was always so good, and we barely had to discipline them".
before kids i always had these grandiose plans and ideas of exactly how my kids would be. you know, you did it too, the "my kid will never..."'s. like "my kid will never talk back to me", "my kid wont' talk to other adults like that", "my kids won't be picky eaters, they will eat what i put in front of them", one of my ultimate favorites "my kid won't ever sleep in our bed with us, ever!". i have had a harsh reality check : children are little people with free wills, who do not always agree with what you are trying to do, and will always want to do the opposite. so my kids talk back (not without punishment), say crazy stuff in front of other adults, refuse to eat and go to bed hungry and wake up the next morning in a hypoglycemic rage, and this little boy #4 has slept in our bed more times than i care to mention.
it used to bother me, ok sometimes it really still does. but i used to always think i was just failing all the time, and there was something wrong with me. " i am not as consistent as i should be. i am too harsh. i am too soft. all i do is yell. all i do is sleep. they watch too much TV. they should do this, they should do that, i should be this, i should be that". but when does it end? when do i just enjoy the process? when do i admit to myself that they do not have to be perfect and neither do i?
i had to quit listening to all the deafening lies swimming in my head and give up my control and say "I cannot do this on my own, I need a greater power, I need help. and the only way i will ever reach that, the only way to ever have peace with myself, is to throw my hands in the air, admit defeat, and release all my fears, anxiety, frustrations, stress, worries, exhaustion, confusion, doubt, and the mack daddy of it all control, and say "you know what Lord, i cant' do this without you, take it all, YOU are in control." i had a dear friend of mine, when i was in the middle of breaking down in sobs remind me, that we are called to walk in freedom. freedom that can only come from surrendering my life to Jesus. freedom from all the weight i have been carrying on my shoulders. freedom to breathe in and enjoy what little time i have with my kids. "so walk in that freedom" she said. epiphany. i dont' have to be anything that i think i am supposed to be. my kids don't have to fit in some perfect little box with a perfect bow. they are going to make it. i am going to make it.
whew.
This is a wonderful post Alana, thanks for sharing what so many of us mommas are feeling. You are a fantastic mom, love ya!
ReplyDeleteWOW - We are too - TOO - much alike!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain sister :) But you really are doing a great job - and if it makes you feel any better - we've all been there. Every Mom feels like a total failure -at some point - at many points - in their mothering years. Let me share a quote with you I just posted on my blog recently - it wasn't necessarily about motherhood - but being a woman in general. It said: "I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing as who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy."
But you know what? We are exactly who - and what - God made us to be. If we were perfect - we wouldn't need Him. My kids are at a different stage than yours and I struggle with these same things. No matter how many times people compliment me on my job as a good Mom - I still doubt myself. I know you well enough to tell me I was crazy to feel that way as a Mom & that my kids are fine. In fact - I remember someone saying something to me a few years back as I struggled with some issues my daughter was having about how she, too struggled with those things as a teenager but how she was okay now. Remember that??
ANYHOW! The entire point to this super de duper long comment is to say you are doing a great job. On the days when it feels like your nothing but a failure - look up - and know that Jesus thinks you are the perfect person for the job of raising those boys - or else he would have given them to someone else. You can do it - you will do it - and your boys will turn out just great!
Love ya Alana!
OH yeah - one more thing.
ReplyDeleteI listed you on my blog list. If you prefer not to be listed there - let me know! I figured you wouldn't mind but I could have figured wrong :)
All righty - take care and good luck with the bloggin!!
thanks lisa and tami! that's alright if you want to list me :)
ReplyDeleteAlana, I love this so much. It's so true, I waste soooo much time critiquing myself about the things I think my kids don't do right, or blaming myself when they don't sleep right, eat right, etc. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one, and that even after four you still feel that way! And you're so right, you don't end up raising kids, you end up raising each individual the way they need to be raised. I think figuring that out is half the battle.
ReplyDelete